S3E1 - 30 Going On 13 | Arrested Development and Reparenting

What's the earliest age that you can remember of, like, realizing your parents just, like, don't have it together? Realizing they don't know this shit either?

The earliest age. Okay.

Yeah. Your earliest memory.

Actually, looking back, I probably could say even earlier, but I think the time when I realized that my parents didn't have it all figured out. I used to have really bad night terrors when I was younger. So I would wake up in the middle of the night, like, screaming, and I like, running my parents.

What's the difference between a night terror and a nightmare? It's the same thing.

You wake up still, like, freaking out. Like, when you have a nightmare, you'll wake up and be like, oh, shit, it was a dream. You have a night terror. And that emotion rolls over almost, and it just. You're still freaking out when you wake up.

So what's your parents.

So I would run into their room. Cause I was terrified by these insane dreams. And because of that, I would often, like, they would eventually let me sleep in there and then. Not eventually, but they would let me sleep in there and then. A lot of times, I'll wake up in the middle of the night to them talking or sometimes arguing. And then I would, like, listen to their arguments. And although I was, like, really young, I would notice the flaws in their arguments. I'm like, wow.

What the.

Like, wait, no. And I almost wanted to be like. I was actually. That was in fake sleep. What are you talking about?

That's not true.

You know what I mean? So that's when I started to realize. I was like, what? Like, yeah, I thought they were perfect.

Right, right. That sucks. That's like waking out of a one nightmare and up to another one. Like waking from one nightmare into another one.

You're making my childhood look very. Yeah.

I mean, I'm saying. But I'm saying you, like, go back to sleep, and the demon in your dream is like, what the fuck was that?

All right, let me get.

Couples therapy much? Exactly. What about you? Imagine it was like. I thought I was a monster. But your dad, he's kind of an asshole. Anyway.

What about you, though?

Me? I think, like, I mean, I have a lot. I had a pretty crazy childhood, I think, like, the earliest memory. So my mom. My biological mom used to date this guy named Mister Judd and Judd. Mister Judd. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

J u d d, j u d.

D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She used to date this guy. And he had polio, actually. Like, he had a very, very severe case of polio. And typically, like, with polio it goes away. But his, like, never went away. He's like, had. He had it since he was, like, a kid. So he was, like, literally paralyzed. He had, like, those two, you know, those walking sticks where, like, that was.

His whole deal, like, on their forearms.

Yeah, yeah. He was, like, literally paralyzed. And, like, we used to live. We lived with him for, like, a year or two, and they would get in a lot of fights. And, like, literally, he was paralyzed. But he also had the nerve to be, like, physically abusive, mentally, like, abusive. Verbally abusive.

He was mad. He was mad at the world.

Exactly. Right. I remember thinking, like, some of my earliest thoughts were just like, why are we here? Like, why can't. You know what I mean? Like, this man is, like, literally can't even walk.

But for knocking over. But.

Right.

For some reason, we're just letting him just treat us like shit.

And I always think about that. I used to think about that, like, why is my mom standing for that? So it was, like, kind of my earliest thoughts of just, like, damn. Like, maybe something else is going on with her that I don't really know. And, like, just the irony of it, just, like, the fact that I could not stand this man. Like, she couldn't stand up for herself. He just couldn't stand up, period. What's good? My bad. Sometimes we just, you know, we get into it, and then, you know, my bad. You already know what it is. If you're kind of confused, you're looking at the screen like, who are these? Who are these fine young gentlemen staring back at me having this intellectual, deep conversation? Well, I'm gonna go ahead and clear that up for you. If you didn't know and you didn't read the damn caption. Okay. It's the Eagle hour podcast program, audio show, whatever you wanna call it, where every episode's the first episode with co host Konamanaui. I'm your host, Knight. Welcome back.

Go back at it.

What's up, mate?

Another one.

Another one. Yes, sir. Another one.

This is gonna be a good one. It's your idea. What?

This podcast.

This episode.

This podcast in general.

Oh, yeah, that too. But I think it's gonna be a really good one. One. Cause we're actually prepared. But two, I feel like it is a. It's a concept that actually is the basis of a lot of other things that come along with psychology and these. And these different things. But we'll get into the concept of. Well, I'll let you say, yeah, let.

Me finesse us into it, bro. Don't try to take my damn.

I'm really, really excited.

Well, no, I was having a conversation with somebody pretty much how I even thought of this idea. I was having a conversation with somebody, and we actually have these conversations all the time about kind of, like, the sheer amount of things that we've had to teach ourselves. And, like, we were joking around at the top, but it's real. Like, so many things we've had to teachers, I had to teach myself. Even the concept of, like, chivalry, like finances, setting boundaries, like, these are things I've had to, literally didn't have guidance on. So I had to teach myself. And the person that I was talking to was like, yeah, like, if nobody teaches you for it, you kind of get trapped in this state. It's almost like arrested development. And I was like, oh, you mean like the. Like the show?

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Everything is concept. Nothing is wrong. I think it's rare that somebody has, like, the perfect parents who raise them correctly. You know, as soon as they turn 18 or 21 or whatever, they go off into college and they have all the tools that they need. Now, I have met some people like that. It's not impossible. But, like, a lot of people, especially, like, black people and people of color, marginalized people, we don't have those resources. Our parents don't have everything together. So, like, a lot of us experience it's some form of arrested development.

Yeah, and it's also a weird term, too, like arrested development.

I don't really like it.

You don't like that term?

I don't really like the term arrested development. Cause it's like one when you're under arrest. Somebody else put you under arrest. Which I would like to believe we're more in control of our lives. And that there is a way out of it.

Well, I think it just captures the idea that you are trapped, whether it be willingly or unwillingly in some concept.

Yeah, but I just think it's more incomplete. You're just not finished yet. You still have more work to do.

Right, right.

And I don't know. I just think that's a more positive way to look at it. To use the language a little bit better.

I get that. Yeah. We do have to be conscious about, like, the language. So, actually, what's the definition of arrested development? Mister definition man, lay it on this. Give me that definition, boy. Let's get it. Let's get it.

Arrested development refers to a halt in emotional, mental, or psychological growth. This means an individual may be stuck at a certain stage of development. And their behavior, emotional processes, responses, or thought patterns. May be more characteristic of a child stage than their actual age.

So just kind of like a lack of maturity in certain areas.

Yeah. In a nutshell, they haven't developed in a way that is more akin to an adult or whatever their actual age is now. You can't really say a 15 year old has arrested development. Cause you're still developing.

Right.

But, like, if you're, you know, 25.

26, there's certain signs that you should be, like, there's certain marks that you should be hitting emotionally.

And how you think about things. You know, how you process things. Those things should be more mature. They should be more based on, you know, your ideals, keeping order of things and being respectful of, you know, all parties, rather than it being very self centered as a child would.

Word. Yeah, I mean, and, yeah, I mean, playing back to what you said earlier, yes. We know a lot of people that suffer from this in, like, different ways. So we're, like, off the bat. I think the first thing I thought of was, like, child stars, weirdly enough. Well, actually, no. The first thing I thought of was, like, these grown ass man babies who are, like, living at home or living with their girl, and their girl's, like, taking care of them and she's paying the rent. And somehow they're still getting into arguments because he's like, you're not spending enough time with me. Like, that type of bullshit. Like, I literally know somebody who's, like, currently in that kind of, like, situation.

I hope they don't watch this episode.

Well, I hope they do. I hope you do, actually. And it's so weird because I know.

People like that who just refuse to take some sort of independence with their.

Life or accountability overall.

Exactly.

Yeah. And then. Cause it can often be brought about by trauma, but it doesn't have to be trauma. It can be actually something seemingly positive. And that's what kind of led me to the idea of, like, child stars. And it's weird that, you know, something seemingly positive can trap you in this state of arrested development. If you get hit with a lot of things before you're actually mentally ready for it, then it's almost like you get this repressed resentment that comes about. Like, you almost, since your childhood was somewhat taken away, you repress and, like, you have to act out in childish ways. Cause it's almost like you're trying to capture onto that childhood permanently.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, with the child star situation, I mean, it may seem like a positive thing to most people. Like, oh, you had money, you didn't have to worry about shit. Cause most people are struggling with bread.

Yeah.

So, like, most people think like a child star, oh, you're rich, you know, everybody loves you. You have all this attention on you. But, like, I think child stars probably have to grow up a lot faster than anybody. And then as people who like me and you, we had to learn to develop ourselves, and we're still doing that. When you have to do that at an earlier age than what may be appropriate. I see why you would grow resentful, like, me having to grow up earlier than probably I needed to, having to deal with problems that I probably didn't need to at a younger age. That does, you start to realize as you get older, like, why was I dealing with it?

And it might not even.

That had nothing to do with me. I was a child. There's no way I could have, actually.

And you might not even realize that. You might even like.

Oh, yeah, you just might. You might not even get the chance to realize that you were dealing with shit a little bit too early, like some people almost take pride in. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Shaitown.

Hi.

Chi town.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

My question is, do you feel like you had good parents or parental figures growing up?

No.

Okay. You do not. So what do you feel like you had to teach yourself as a result of not having those parent parental figures?

I had to teach myself how to survive and how to love.

How to survive and how to love. What is. When you say survival, like, go into detail on that.

What do you.

What do you mean, by how to survive.

I really had, like, a really, like, lifetime type of story type of background, so, like, wasn't, like, the best. So, like, growing up, I had to, like, feed myself, feed myself, clean up after myself. So, like, I just had to learn how to be an adult at, like, five years old.

That's very powerful stuff. Do you feel like, as a result of that, do you feel more empowered now as an adult, or do you feel like that has held you back?

I definitely feel like it held me back, because even though, as you grow up so fast, that you just stay that way. So, like, I was. I was acting like I was 40 at five years old, and, like, now I'm 23 and I still feel like I'm just 40 and I'm just stuck in the same position I've always been stuck in. Because you don't have that role model that actually really pushed you and, like, gave it for a second when you could be dependent on someone.

It's, like, kind of stuck in, like, that developmental stage.

Like, there's nothing new. Like, there's nothing at all. It's just like, oh, that's what you're going through? Yeah, I've been through that. It's like, at 23 years old, you're saying that to, like, 40 year olds, 30 year olds.

How do you feel? Like, maybe you might not be a parent or you may be a parent, but you are a parent. Okay, so how do you look at your kids and to create something different for them?

It's hard, I would say, like, I love my kids regardless. I don't regret them, but, like, when it comes to, like, loving them and showing them, I just. I talk to them more as adults, more than I wish I did, because I have to remember, like, their babies, and I didn't get that chance to just be a kid. So sometimes I have to let them be a kid, and sometimes I feel like, why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that. Like, at my age, I was doing this. I was cleaning up. Like, why are you not, like, being me? So it's just like. But wait, they're not being me because.

They have me, right, right. But, like, it could definitely come back in a lot of different ways.

I mean, it can manifest itself in, like, some forms of self sabotage. You're just like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna spend this money, or I'm gonna do whatever I gotta because I never got to experience my childhood, so I'm gonna do this.

Like, yeah, I mean, how it manifests is like, personality disorders. And that's the scary part about it, because a lot of personalities disorders, they're rooted in some type of trauma or a lack of or not only trauma, but also abandonment, neglect, or abuse when you're younger and during those developmental stages. And so when you're stuck in that stage for too long, that child self in you grows and up, it grows almost faster than the adult version of you. And so you have this, like, personality that's a little bit warped and it's more inflated on a certain side that's like, you know, whether it's like narcissism or borderline personality or antisocial, whatever it may be, that these personalities, you're triggering me.

I don't like this. Cut the cameras. Since I am triggered, let's lean into it. In what ways do you feel like you are suffering from, like, arrested development? What areas of your life? Because you said it wasn't, like a blanketed thing. It can be in specific parts.

Yeah, it can be, like, exactly. Emotional, cognitive, all those. All the different facets or whatever. And for me, the way I may be suffering from arrested development, there's certain things when it comes to taking care of myself. Now, obviously, I bathe and brush my teeth and shit like that. But, like, cooking. Like, cooking is, it causes a lot of stress for me.

Really. Like, literally, anxiety builds up. Whenever you think about the concept about.

Me trying to prepare meal. I'm like, holy shit. I mean, I make my oatmeal every day, but that's, like, mad easy. You just, like, pour the packets. What about you?

I was gonna say, well, when you said financially, that ring a bell for me. I'm like, yeah, definitely financially. Like, and it's. It's not in the degree of a child star, but just literally anybody. Like, if you go from not having money and having everything being provided for you to, like, getting a job and then having money, if there's no one there to facilitate that transition and be like, okay, well, now that you have money, you should do this with it. Save this or so. And so you just literally kind of think of it in an immature state, almost like, okay, well, I'll just buy what I want. I'll buy whatever I want. And, yeah, it takes you getting older to be like, oh, and sometimes it happens way later where you're like, damn, I still have this immature mind state around finances and around money. I still just buy what I want. And then it gets to the point where, you know, you're living paycheck to paycheck. Even though you make a very good living wage and like that.

Yeah, I mean, I would give yourself a break a little bit on that. Cause I feel like the age that we're at is kind of the age in which we start to develop those types of skills. But if somebody was 40 or I would say maybe 35 or I don't know what the actual age is where you should be financially, at least a little bit financially literate or safe. Yeah, but, you know, we're kind of talking about more mild states of, like, arrested development.

But the thing is, it's like, I don't know if I would even give myself that slack because I have the awareness of it. Like, once you have the awareness of it, then it becomes a different thing. Then it's like, okay, now you're tipping the scale into self sabotage because now you know and you're not making conscious steps to change those things. Right, right. All right. That's when I'm like, okay, that's arrested development. Because you're, like, trapped. You even know that you have this setback. You have this, but you can't find your way out. You can't mentally break yourself out of.

It's a cell that, you know, you don't have the key for.

Yeah, it's interesting. I don't. I like, you know, I think about this. There's also, like, almost a comfort in that immaturity, too, though, because I think that kind of, we were talking about, you know, if you don't experience that childhood, then you have that repressed resentment that you might not even be conscious of. And something, some part of that is comfortable because as a kid, it's almost nostalgic. As a kid, you're being taken care of. So you don't even have. You don't have to think about your issues.

That's your comfort zone.

That's your comfort zone.

Yeah, it's your comfort zone.

And a part of maturity is literally pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.

Or knowing when you need to be out of your comfort zone.

Exactly. Exactly.

So, like, when you think about not being prepared for life, not having the tools, not having that toolkit given to you, you don't have your tool belt. You don't have all the shit that you need for life, how does that make you feel?

I mean, I've definitely gone through my different phases. I've been mad at God, I've been mad at my parents.

That's how I feel, too. It's just a lot of anger and sadness that comes from it. Cause you almost feel, like, cheated. You feel like, it's not fair I should have these things. And you feel like, why wasn't these things given to me? Or why didn't anybody think of this? Why was I able to think about this all these years after I grew up and nobody thought about it at any point in time before this and stepped in? You know what I mean? And of course, I feel like when you start to mature and you start to see how your parents aren't perfect, there is a moment where you kind of mad at them and you're just like, sure. Cause you're realizing that they're human. But, like, most of your life, especially when you're growing up, like, they're your parents. That's mom and dad. So they're like, they're emotionally supposed to be like your superheroes. They're supposed to be the people who care for you and make sure that you're good. And so coming to a deeper realization that they also made a lot of mistakes and they also like.

And that doesn't even help sometimes. It's like a lot of people will be like, oh, well, everybody. Nobody gets to pick where they come from. And everybody gets, you know, thrown in this without, like we were saying in the beginning, we just get thrown in it, like fun and the sims, and it's just like, figure it out. And it's like. And it's like, well, that's supposed to make you feel better? Okay, well, maybe I'm a little less alone in this world, but sometimes it doesn't make you feel better. It's like, well, we're all fucked.

Like, what do you mean? Like, if everybody's in the same place, like, it doesn't make it any less fucked up. Like, it's just a. I mean, like, yeah, maybe everybody's dealing with it, but that doesn't make existence any easier, right? What do you feel like your parents or your parental figures have taught you that has made a difference in your life?

I feel like my father taught me, like, respect and principle. He kind of taught me how to maneuver certain things and how to interact with people. So, you know, I'd be like, I think he really taught me how to see life differently because you can only learn so much things from school, social media, and your peers. But what my father taught me is, like, discipline, and my mother taught me, like, kindness, you know, empathy, compassion. So I feel like, on two, both different ends, they, they taught me two things that came together to make me a better rounded person.

That's beautiful. That's beautiful. What do you feel like would have been your destiny or what would have happened if you didn't have those parental figures?

I feel like I would have went down a dark path because I definitely had. Everyone has, like, a crazy point in life, you know, where they think they know everything and they want to rebel against their parents. And, you know, I'm still trying to figure it out right now, but I think, you know, if my dad wasn't tricked and my mom wasn't kind, I think I would be heartless and I think I would be lost. I don't know. I think I'd be a degenerate, to be honest.

Do you feel like, as far as parenting, do you feel like we've had to figure out a lot of things on our own, or do you feel like parents in this generation have been doing a good job?

Nah, it's bad right now. There's literally, like, there's cats younger than me having kids, and they're making TikToks with them. Bro, bro. I know mad kids. They don't even know how to wash a dish. So it's bad. I don't know if it's new. I don't know if it's been like this, but it's bad. Like me.

Even me.

But I don't really even have hope for marriage or children because the way the world's been, it's basically hell on earth, so.

But the processing of that and the next point that you're supposed to get to is the maturity aspect of it. When you're mature, you're able to see that nuance and hopefully take an optimistic view of it. You know what I mean? How do we handle this?

Well, the. I mean, arrested development has to do with you not, like, developing as an adult, because your parents, or I won't just blame it all on parents. Cause I don't. Like, some people don't even have any parents on it. Yeah, like, some people don't even have their mom and dad. And always I like to believe the idea that, like, a child is raised by the community. It's not just like the parents, but it's also the teachers in the classroom. It's also auntie and uncle, you know, the little things that they give in there and everybody else.

So, like, what's the antidote? Like, how do you. How do you.

The antidote? So if, like, you're still in this child place, you have to almost step back in time and start to reparent yourself. So, like, that's what the concept of reparenting comes in because you are becoming your own parent, like, in your head and almost teaching yourself the things that you need in order to develop. Like, you have to almost give yourself those missing pieces. You have to fill in the gaps, fill in the holes that they missed in order to develop and become a more mature adult and a functioning adult in society.

Interesting. Re parenting. Yeah, I've heard that phrase before.

Let me give you a definition.

Yeah. Oh, you got a formal definition for me? Oh, my boy ready? Hold on. Is my boy ready?

Yes, sir.

Stop playing.

Reparenting is a therapeutic process that involves learning to provide for yourself the nurturing guidance and protection that may. That you may have not received or inconsistently received as a child. It's a form of self healing and self care that focus, that focuses on meeting your own emotional needs. The goal of reparenting is to address unmet needs from childhood and resolve the emotional pain or trauma that may be affecting a person's adult life. This can include feelings of abandonment, neglect, or abuse.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, just like, if you for one to even know that that is a real concept that you can, like.

That people are doing every day.

Yeah.

That people are literally writing about everything. I mean, I hope that we gave y'all a tool. Like, you know what I mean? I hope that's one of the tools even that.

I mean, we're gonna keep talking about it, but, like, it's. You know, the fact that it's even a concept that you can look up is already helpful because it's like, okay.

There'S something to do. I have some agency for my life. I'm not arrested anymore. Like, this is the key. It can get me out of the cell, and then I'll be inside. Just the jail warehouse. And then I gotta go get some more keys.

Facts.

Do you have, like.

So, I mean, do you have any background, other background information about where the concept came from?

Yeah, I mean, it was originally developed in the seventies. I honestly can't pronounce his name, but Jakeish Sheaf, he used it. He used it in a technique in transactional analysis. We won't dive into that, but it was developed in the seventies. It's about 50 years old.

Damn. So it's old.

Yeah, it's about the 50 year old concept. But, I mean, psychology is fairly young in itself, so we're always developing and changing the ways that we look at the mind.

So when we talk about, like, self care, that entire concept is wrapped into the whole. So reparenting is a part of self care almost.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's a big part of self care. I mean, like, it's. It's. It's getting you up to par. It's getting you up to where you need to be. I mean, and self care goes beyond that. It goes into your future and where you are right now. But I think re parenting is hugely focused on your past and where you may be missing some things from your childhood and developing emotionally. It's really. I think a lot of times it deals with how you respond to things emotionally, but I think the way you think is also wrapped into that as well.

Right, right. Because you can't always think away emotions, but there's certain things. And that kind of leads me to think about the different ways that I. The different self care tactics that I utilize on myself. And the main one that I kind of established a couple years back, and I didn't even notice that I was doing it. I knew it was a thing, but I recently noticed, like, wow, I've completely changed the way that I've talked to myself. Like, positive self talk is something that I consistently practice when I wake up in the morning, weirdly enough, I literally say to myself, oh, man, I'm about to have a good day today, boy. Like, literally tell myself, like, oh, it's about to be another good one. I'll go to sleep. I'm like, I can't wait for tomorrow. I can't wait you for no reason. But just because I realized, like, no, I can just say, I'll have a good day. I don't have to put that in anybody else's hands.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna have a good day.

Yeah, yeah.

Put it out there.

And I love. That's, like, the best thing ever. When you can, like, speak to yourself that way. Like, when you can look in the mirror and just, like, start hyping yourself up, and you're just like, let's go. Let's go. This is so stupid. And it feels like I remember first learning how to, you know, like, positive self talk. It feels, like, phony because you're so used to talking to yourself another way. So it's like, it's a bit dissociative until it's not, and then when it's not, it's beautiful. Because once you get past that hump of removing the negative self talk that you hear in your ear and you actually replace it. And it's not like this dual thing. Cause when you do first get into that positive self talk, and I guess reparenting in general. There's this duality that you feel because you're moving from one version of yourself to another as you're moving. There's that resistance. And we talked about that in the Sigma Freud episode, but there does come a time after that when that positive self talk is actually integrated into you where it's really hard to talk to yourself negatively. It's hard to not hype yourself.

Right. You'll call yourself out almost. That's what I do. Yeah.

Just like, why are you talking to you? Yeah. And that inner parent becomes more established. Yeah. And it's beautiful. That's lit. And that's one I think we both share, that, you know, that part of development that, you know, it really shines out. What are some other ways that you've reparented yourself or other techniques that, you.

Know, that definitely setting boundaries. And that was a tricky one, too, because when it comes to setting boundaries, sometimes your parents accidentally, you know, cross those boundaries. Like, it's not, even if you have good parents, it doesn't mean that they taught you how to set, like, proper boundaries in us. And, like, I didn't really have a great parental situation overall, but, you know, so I didn't really have anybody to help me learn what the concept of setting boundaries is.

I think a lot of parents, like, struggle with that, too. With kids. I mean, I could imagine it's probably hard as hell. You got this little you running around, right? And you're just, like, trying to make sure that they're good or just doing, you know, you're just projecting onto them, whether it's your love or your whatever.

And the transition of you taking care of them. So you're providing for them. And you're also. There's a part of that is telling them what to do so they don't have autonomy. So there's a point where they start to demand that autonomy. And that line gets really messy.

The kid starts to.

The kid starts to demand that autonomy. I'm a person in order to develop. Right. And so those establishing those wants and those needs and saying, like, this is me and this is you, and you can't tell me now? Now you could in the past, but now you can't tell me who to be. That is difficult for a lot of parents. Yeah, for sure. If you're not going into it with the idea, like, I'm creating a separate person from me. I know this is my kid. I brought them into this world. But if you don't have the idea, like, all right, but at a certain age, you gotta.

Do you?

Yes.

Or you need to start doing you. And they, I think a parent who's mindful of these things, they will start to slowly give their child more autonomy and to the point where when it's time to leave the nest that they can fully fly on their own.

Yeah, but it's like, what's the time where you do that? And then there's the world. It's you, your kid, and also the world your world is gonna, like a.

Lot of people like to say is like once a child, like in preteens, like from that, like ten to 13 stages, when that children start to become more independent, I mean, you're younger, you start mimicking people, and then you start really starting to have an idea of, like, your own self. But I think you can, you know, your brain develops to a point around that teenage age when you can start doing things on your own. And I think that is probably the starting point of when, like, that you.

Should start to kind of pull back as a parent.

As a parent. And I mean, what the fuck do we know? Like, we're not. Yeah, but just based off of research, you know what I mean? That, you know that eleven, that ten to 13 age is when those things need to be important. Because for me, setting boundaries is also really, really hard. When I first even learned what boundaries even were. Because, like you said, my parents or. Yeah, my parents would overstep my boundaries too in a lot of different ways.

And being taught, like, knowing how somebody should treat you too somehow is a part of those boundaries. Like, your parents are the first ones that kind of show you how you're supposed to be treated. So if they treat you in a certain way, then it's like you're always going to think that you deserve certain types of treatment, right?

Even knowing what boundaries to set, where to even put them in the ground, that's a whole learning process in its own because you can end up building your own jail cell, you setting up all these fucking boundaries, and then nobody can get to you. And then what happens then, you know what I mean? So, like, setting boundaries is like, it's almost an art in itself. You have to learn what is a healthy boundary. And when can you let people go beyond certain boundaries? Cause there's different boundaries for different people. You know, some people are closer so they can get beyond some boundaries that you have for other people.

Right. Especially in a relationship. And I say an intimate relationship specifically, it's a negotiation. You're constantly kind of negotiating boundaries. And there's certain things that you shouldn't accept. And there's certain things. Yeah, like you said, certain people can do certain things that other people can't do. The re parenting shit, like through therapy, I'm realizing that, like I'm starting to develop like this 6th sense. Like I'll have a thought and then I'll have, have like the reparenting thought. It's almost like an extra downloaded app that runs in the background. Like, what's my inner parent think about this? Right?

Yeah, it's like a. You're like a super ego or like, yeah, your conscious, like it's just another level of conscious. Like you said, it's like another operating.

System just running, underlying system running on over top of all the other apps. Like I realize and that's why I'm realizing it's more about healing. Like if you grow up in an environment where, you know, for whatever reason and your parents or whoever's supporting you doesn't provide that proper support, then it turns into you growing up with a bunch of different coping mechanisms, just coping in a bunch of different ways.

All these programs that are like almost.

Like bugs and are outdated, it's like, yeah, you never really like upgrade them and shit like that.

So it's like, yeah, you don't do no type of like system cleaning.

Right. You get to that point. And so, like, if you don't. If you don't actually, like, the coping mechanisms are always going to be temporary solutions. So if you don't actually go in and do like the mental and emotional.

Work or the surgery, like, yeah, the reparenting is like actually head on addressing the issue. Like, it's not, you know, doing one thing that, like, kind of helps it, but not really, which is like, kind of what coping is. Like if you smoking all the time. Like, it's a way of like helping you feel a little bit better, but you're not actually addressing the issue that's making you feel bad.

Right.

You know what I mean? You're addressing the cause but not the problem. You're addressing the effect but not the problem.

Exactly.

Reparenting is like addressing it at the root.

What techniques are you utilizing in terms of like, yeah, reparenting.

Like you said, positive talk, setting boundaries. Another one that was really, really profound for me was like, inner child journaling. And it's essentially just a process of writing to your inner child. And that's what most people do. And then I kind of remixed it a little bit, but we'll start there. And so writing to your inner child a lot of people like the practice of writing a letter to their child and speaking on the things that that child didn't get and reassuring that child self and writing this letter because, you know, what your child. What your child self did and didn't have.

It's not gonna fucking make me cry in here. All right. Don't. All right, stop talking.

No.

That is crazy.

No. It's a very emotional process. I mean, and like, a lot of times when I've done these different journaling sessions, like, sometimes I'll just stop in the middle. I'm like, let's take a break. That's a lot to process. But it echoes in your head when you write it, because, for one, when you're writing something, there's a certain thing when you manifest things, but you're also writing physically, not just typing and not just speaking. Because when you write it, everything is going in your brain. So when you write it, you are really establishing new things for yourself. When you're writing to your younger child, you are actually speaking to your younger self emotionally.

It's kind of.

Yes. And it's actually deep, deeply going into.

Your head to the pre association.

Right. And so when you. When you go more and more into it, you do different journaling sessions. Then you start to really feel like your child's self is having those needs met. And you can move past the resentment or, you know, however you're feeling about not having those needs met. But the way that I remixed it was. I mean, it was. I didn't remix it too much, but I was more so giving advice to my younger self, because for me, growing up, I did have to do a lot of things on my own, and I didn't mind that independence. Cause I was kind of like a boss baby at certain points. So I actually like to do things on my own, but I would get hurt a lot along the way, or I didn't have guidance or people didn't give me the wisdom that I needed. So I would give advice to my younger self. And it almost feels like a quantum thing. Like, it's like I'm actually receiving it, like, when I was younger. You know what I mean? And then I also flip it and talk to my future self and ask.

For my future self for advice on some interstellar shit.

On some interstellar shit. And so now I have this theory that, like, if I talk to my future self long enough, he's listening. Right. And my current self will start to receive advice for my future self. That's my theory, though.

Am I high? What is happening. Like, that's nuts. Yes. I love that, though.

I love that. Yeah, it's an amazing experience, though, because you really feel grounded because you're talking to your younger self, you're talking to your future self, and you're processing it all right now. And so you almost feel comforted by knowing that you exist in the past, the present, and the future.

This episode of the Evil Ego Hour podcast is sponsored by the podcast podcast podcast. Hi, I'm Tim. Last name. And I'm Rob. Who gives a shit? And this is the podcast podcast podcast. That's right. The one and only podcast about creating a podcast about podcasting. Now, as we all know, approximately 100% of living beings on this earth actually have a podcast now. That's right, Rob. Which resulted in the creation of hundreds of different individual niche markets for people to capitalize off of. Exactly, Tim. The popularity of podcasts has seen rapid growth in the past few years. We witnessed this, and our first thought was, how can we add yet another insignificant voice to an already overcrowded medium? And thus, the podcast. Podcast podcast was born. That's right, Rob. The one and only podcast that lets you in behind the scenes and share a step by step analysis on how to create a podcast about. Creating a podcast about podcasting. To continue to make sure every. Every single person on the planet has a podcast, we need to make sure people have the right information. That's why our show includes weekly info, segments, and interviews with the leading podcasters on podcasting. We even include how to's for new parents who want to help their baby create a podcast. All you have to do is visit www. Dot podcastpodcastpodcast dot pod.com dot cast to subscribe to our show. While you're at it, go ahead and subscribe to our weekly newsletter where we can continue to overwhelm you with pointless information that you'll never use. That's right, Rob. I'm Tim. And I'm Rob. And this is podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast.

Podcast.

Podcast. I love that. Healthy, self soothing. This is actually. This is on topic. It's a little off topic, but it's on topic. I've seen this epidemic of grown ass people sucking their thumbs. Have you seen this?

Oh, no.

I have been seeing this recently. Yes. So I've seen this so many times now in New York. It's mainly women, but they'll just be, like, literally sucking their eyes, and they'll just be, like, sucking their thumbs. I'm like, what the hell? That's a disgusting method of self soothing.

That was just like, something happened during the oral phase, weirdly enough.

Right? I'm, like, thinking, like, that's, like, weird. Self soothing.

That's like, every time I get gassy.

I get anxious and I just start licking my palm. Like, why would anybody be sick as a grown ass person?

That's so weird. Yeah, that's actually disgusting. Cause we live in New York. Like, your hands are dirty as soon as you step outside, so that.

Right. Disgusting.

Sucking on a fucking turnstile?

That's crazy.

Turnstile germs.

So, like, oh, my God. All right, I gotta get out of this mentally, so. Okay. Inner child journaling. You kind of. Kind of talked about guided imagery almost. I don't know if there's any other techniques and tactics that we could talk about before we get out of here.

I mean, guided. Guided imagery is something I did in therapy with my first therapist in a. Personally, I don't really like it because it. I'm just. You just put yourself in the scenario, that. Of something that happened, like, when you were younger and.

Oh, so that's not, like the inner child thing. That's not, like, projecting?

In a way, it is, but, like, guided imagery is more focused on you. Closing your eyes and imagining yourself being there is almost like, you know, not being hypnotized, but, like, you're taking yourself there to that very moment when. With the. With the journey of trauma. Yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah. To kind of, like, get, you know, teach yourself out of that, but. Or, like, you know, if you're doing it with a therapist, like, they'll say, okay, take you there. Okay, so how were you feeling at that time? You start to pour out everything and process it as if you were right there. And that is feeling.

That's why people don't like therapy. I mean, how are you feeling right now?

Yeah. And it is scary. Like, it's a scary thing to bring yourself back because it's not like you are who you like. When you take yourself back to that moment emotionally, you're almost back at that stage. Like, you're back how you felt during that time, but you're not, though. But you're not, though, right?

So you have that power. You can.

Right? So, I mean, yeah, you can't pull yourself out of it, but it's weird, you know what I mean? To feel how you felt during that traumatic or stressful time in your life, but to now be an adult, seeing it when you come out of that therapeutic session, it just leaves you super raw. You feel like you just had surgery. You know what I mean, and that was really, really hard for me. Like, when I first started therapy. Like, my chest would actually hurt.

Yeah, I can imagine.

But, you know, you get through it.

You get through it, I guess, as an adult. Yeah. That's the power you have as an adult. So, yeah, there's different reparenting techniques I know about, like, creating a safe space. I know there's, like, role playing things. There's one in particular that I want to talk about before we get out of here. Somatic practices, so body oriented practices that help you reconnect with your physical self as trauma often leads to the disconnection from the body.

Yeah. And I've known and met people who felt very disconnected from their body. Very dissociated. Dissociated from their body because of trauma. Because of trauma that happened to them. A lot of times it's like, you know, physical or, like, sexual abuse.

Yeah.

Which is, you know, it's really sad because I feel very in touch with my body, and I can't imagine not feeling, like, that connection to it. And I know it's really hard to gain that back. But, like, you know, things like yoga, dancing. Dancing is a big.

That's a big one for people.

Yeah, very, very big.

The euphoria and that sense of connection with the body that people experience when they dance and just, like, the looks on their faces, like, that's something I just love seeing. I love watching dance videos on YouTube.

Yeah, I love dance. I mean, I repost. I comment. I'm, like, low key seeping into it.

You do love dancing.

I love dancing. And it's like, you know, even when you're a baby, you know how to dance. I mean, like, before you do the universal wave, you're just like, oh, yeah.

You just be bouncing even as a baby, you know?

You know what I mean? And it's a very, like, universal thing that we do as humans. And, you know, dancing is so healing, and that's why I dance every day. It's probably cause I'm fucking trying to cope.

Cope. You're just like crying head ass boy folks. So. Yes, I love this, man. I love this. I wish we could. Wish we could talk about this forever, but we do got to get out of here. So the ending, I guess we always like to end on something, right? Like, what's the ending idea? I guess, for me, is the idea that, you know, for one, as we were talking about before, and now that I know this to be an idea and a concept, you know, it kind of gives you that power you know, like, you can now start to reclaim the power that might have been taken from you as a youth. And once you realize again from the top, your parents are just fucking sim characters, okay? They don't know what they're doing. Just God's just up there. And once you realize that, it's like, okay, forgive them. Forgive them. Right. And now you have the power now.

Yeah. And when it comes to your parents, I mean, it is hard to forgive your parents.

I mean, don't get me wrong, speaking.

From experience, facts, that is definitely hard to forgive your parents still doing it. And honestly, you don't have to. You do have to take control of yourself.

True.

You do have to develop yourself. And if you want to cause a lot of people, I think these days, sometimes they'll come to me and say that they feel stuck. And I felt stuck before you for.

What you a fucking therapist? What, are they coming?

No, I mean, I have honest conversations with people all the time, so they'll tell me that they may feel stuck in their life or like, you know, in some way. And I think to get yourself out of that arrested developmental stage in your life, to break free of that understanding what pre parenting is and how it looks and all the different practices that you can do can help you heal, it can help you feel more in control of yourself, to actually feel like an adult. And, you know, you turn 21, you turn 25, you turn 30, it doesn't really matter if you don't feel like an adult. And I think feeling like an adult is very important. And it's empowering.

And people run away from the idea. People run away from it.

Actually, great people who develop in that way, they talk about how empowering it is to feel like an adult, to feel like you can actually take control and take care of yourself. And, like, the difference between being an.

Adult and a kid and being a.

Child is operating, is how you operate the basis of, like, your operation, and like an adult operates from respect, out of order, out of care and love and what else? And your higher values and your morals. And a child normally acts more selfishly. And when you're a child, that's okay because that's what you need at that time. But as an adult, there's times when it's hard to not act selfishly and then those kind of those signs. So when it's really hard to not be selfish and you are acting like a child and not in a bad or condescending way, but in a realistic way, you may be suffering from arrested development and you may need to repair yourself.

And just know that you have the power. You got that power, boy. God damn, I feel good. You feel good?

That was a great fucking episode.

I feel good, bro. I feel like I'm ready to God him this power. You feel me? I'm feeling reclaim. Reclaim myself. Wanna dance? What?

Wanna dance?

Yeah, we can dance after it. We'll dance in the outro. But you already know what it is. It's the evil you go out, podcast, program, audio show, whatever you wanna call it, with co host Cody Minawi. I'm your host, Knight. We're gonna see you the next week. Make sure you follow us at nightcamwrap.

Mine is Odi Minowi. C o d I e m o n o w I.