S3E2 - From Battles To Bridges | Conflict Theory, Resolution & Transformation

You like showtime? What the hell are you talking about, bro? I can tell you delirious.

Nah, showtime is lit, bro. It's like black joy in its, like, purest form.

It ain't always black joy, though. Sometimes they cause it.

Oh, the showtime.

You never seen that when they're like, oh. So they be like, we just some black people. Like, we could be robbing y'all. We could be killing y'all.

Yeah, but those are the. Those are, like, the D train. Showtime people. You know what I'm saying? A train and the J train. Showtime people don't really be doing like that.

Yeah. Do they got any 90 New Haven seen before?

No, I pretty much seen. I like, I recognize them at this point, but every. But every time I'm like, let me take off my headphones.

Bunch of this.

Now, they don't be tight. They more so, like, be doing handstands and jumping and sliding on the poles and doing. Doing the flag.

That shit's impressive, bro.

I hate strong.

I don't know what you hate it?

Yeah, it's impressive, bro. Talent for free.

If you're trying to eat my Doritos and look at my text messages, I don't want a nigga sliding across on a damn pole.

But that's your problem. You eatin Doritos on the train. Nasty.

Is this a strip club? Get off the pole, you dirty. I don't like any of that. That's crazy. That's crazy. How you feeling? I'm tired. I was about to say, you look delirious. My oops.

I'm really tired. Been up since three in the morning, running around city to city.

Had a quick little. Oh, city to city.

Yeah, yeah.

You know how I do.

Nah, I had to take a train down to DC and come right back.

Yo, you took the train?

I took an Amtrak. They're getting cheaper. I think they're realizing nobody can afford $180 tickets, but, yeah, I came back to make sure we could stay consistent with this.

Last time I took the damn mega bus. When I went back to DC, on my way back, I witnessed a fight. A fight broke out on the bus.

On the bus? On the mega bus?

On the mega bus. The double decker.

Upstairs or downstairs?

Upstairs.

Oh, my God. It's not even. It's like, I cannot stand up there.

That's what I'm saying. There's literally not enough space.

So they were, like, ducking and fighting.

So, like, all right, so pretty much what happened? And it didn't boil over. It did get physical. So pretty much there was a lady. She was asleep. And then about halfway through the trip, before we got to even Baltimore, so we were probably, like, almost an hour in, she goes to put her seat back, and there is an asian gentleman behind her with his knees up on the seat, pretty much preventing her from putting her seat back. And so when she goes to put her seat back, she's, like, restricted. And she gets up, and she's like, hey, can you let me put my seat back? And this is. I don't know if this is what happened. I had my headphones in, but this is kind of what was conveyed to me after the fact. But she's like, yeah, can you let me put my seat back? And apparently he said, no, why don't you just move to the seat next to you? They both had free seats next to them. Keep this in mind for the overall conflict.

I know how that works.

And he's like, no, just move to the next seat. And she's like, no, I want to sit by the window, and I just want to put my seat down. Why can't you just put your feet down? He's like, cause I don't want to. Apparently that's what he said. I don't want to put my feet down. And you can just move to the seat next to you and put the seat back.

He could have also did the same thing.

He could have also did the same. But she could have, you know, I don't know, whatever, right? So she gets up, and she starts yelling in his face, like, yo, put your feet down. I want to put my seat back. What the hell is wrong with you? He's just looking at her at this point, because now people are with his feet up, with his feet up, looking stupid. He looks stupid in his first place. There's no way that's comfortable. Exactly, exactly, exactly.

I'm not putting my feet up.

Exactly. Right, okay, she's an asshole.

I want to take my side now.

But then, right, she notices that he's playing a Nintendo DS, and she snatches it out of his hand and immediately throws it across the bus, right? And it hits the window, and, like, you know, it fell apart. That incident. Did you see that? That's where I jumped in, pretty much. I had my headphone in. I heard kind of tensions being heightened in the background, and as I was pulling out my headphone, I saw the DS just fly across the bus. And I'm like, oh, okay.

That's where we are in the Pokemon gold. Just, like, popped out, literally.

And he's like, you broke my game. You broke my game.

No, that's, like, the worst thing. That's, like, worse than, like, oh, he.

Was definitely exaggerating, but I could see where he came from, because at that moment, he didn't really necessarily know if it was broken or not.

Oh, my God. Ds.

Oh, my God. And you could tell, like, it was all he had, you know, that ds. So he was just really. And just. The conflict just boiled over. Boiled over to the point where they're screaming at each other. And luckily we had a stop in Baltimore, and somebody came on the bus and kind of stop that interaction from escalating to any other point. But I mean, pretty much she took his ds, she picked it up. She was like, it's not broken. And held it for the rest of the ride until we got into Baltimore, so. Oh, my God.

So he just let her take it.

Literally. Just let her take it.

She kind of. That's what he get. Yeah, low key, but that's pretty aggressive on her. That could have ended, really.

And I'm like. And I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, if y'all make this bus pull over, I'm beating both y'all out of, like, I. Ego out. Eagle ego out. You might be conflicted as to what you're listening to, what you're looking at at the moment. Sorry about that. You know, us, we get straight to it. But if there is any confusion, I'm going to go ahead and clear that up because, you know, I do it week to week. You should know by now. But if you don't, what is this? Where is this? It's Eagle hour. Podcast, program, audio show, whatever you want to call it, wherever episode's the first episode. We'll co host Codyman hour. I'm your host, Nye. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Another one you already know. You already know. The overthinker's paradise. The brash and comedic exploration of the human psyche. Thank you for allowing us back in your ears and your eyes or wherever you're taking in this content from. Thank you. Thank you again. Pause. Yes. So getting back to that. Yes. Let's talk about conflicts.

Let's jump right into.

There's a lot of things I wanna discuss. And I also think that you couldn't be talking to two better people about this situation, specifically about conflict. Because between the two of us, I think you have the two opposite ends of the spectrum. You have you where I wouldn't say that you seek conflict, but what I would say is that I have seen you almost beat up an old man before that.

I didn't almost beat him up.

You did. And I knew you were gonna. I did know him. Stop lying.

I did almost beat him up.

You did almost beat him up. You were just being rude.

And I had to be like, yeah.

And you were like, yo, what's up? And he's like. And he's like, looking at you, like, what's up? Like, what you about to say? Like, I'm like, oh, my God.

No. He was just like. He, like, bumped into me on a wide train platform. Like, why? There was so many other places you could walk around, look at him. And it just felt like, you know, route up.

Look at him.

You ready? I don't see conflict. I'm just not afraid of conflict.

That's okay.

That's what I was saying. I don't mind conflict. It's kind of, I won't say exciting, but I would rather not back down.

Okay. Okay. And then you have me. I'm on the other opposite end of the spectrum. Somebody who's literally pretended to be blind to get out of a fight before. Hello, and now a word from our sponsors. This episode of the Evil Ego Albert podcast is sponsored by Ron Johnson's mental self defense. My names Ron Johnson, and I have a very important message for you. I dont know if you know this or not, but youre currently under attack. Were constantly being assaulted every day by emotions, information, and people that prey on our mind and take full advantage of our vulnerabilities. Not anymore. Ron Johnsons mental self defense will teach you the proper techniques to defend your mind against invasion. My program breaks mental self defense down to three simple maneuvers. Block, block, and block. Its as easy as that depression. Block, love. Block, shield yourself from ever getting hurt by putting up numerous psychological barriers between you, the world, and everyone you know. I will train you on how to properly suppress those emotions until youre completely numb. Ill make it my lifes mission to assure you that you will never be taken advantage of again. Now, if you're listening to this and you find yourself in Maryland, I want you to take a trip down to 111 Buckethead Road. Make a left it to Chipotle. Tell him Ron John sent you, and you'll get the first two classes for free. Remember, it's time to step up for yourself, because only you can.

I tried to walk away from a conflict, and that was the one time I got hit in the face.

Oh, my gosh. That situation.

Yeah.

Oh, we only walked away, so, you.

Know, it's just like I probably should have done what I naturally would do.

Yeah.

Cause I tried to be like you.

Yeah.

And then I got. And I really turned into.

All right, so let's. As always, we gotta lay the framework for the conversation. We need formal definitions. Can you give me the formal definition of yes, sir?

Yes, sir. We have three that we put into our notes. So the first one, we have conflict. A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one. We also have a condition in which a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs and an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests.

Awesome.

A lot of it's centering around some dissonance, some, you know, things not being in sync. I think that comes.

I think that's a good way to boil it down.

Yeah, for sure.

And there's a lot of different ideas, especially around the overall physiology when it comes to our brains, how they handle conflict. But I think, to put it simply, it can be boiled down to two main ideas.

When it comes to two parts of the brain. Yeah.

When it comes to the physiology. Right. When the two parts of the brain. We have the amygdala, and we have the prefrontal cortex.

Yes. Tell me about the amygdala.

The amygdala is a small, almond shaped section of your brain. Almond. And this is pretty much used as the threat detector. Right. The thing that's analyzing those threats, and it's either gonna trigger an emotional response, whether it be anger, it can be fear, it can be either one of those.

Yeah. And it does that by releasing chemicals in your blood, like adrenaline and cortisol.

Exactly.

And so then we have the prefrontal cortex right here in our noggin. Develops at 25.

Yes. And that is a good note. Right. Because the prefrontal cortex is pretty much in charge of all the executive functions. It is in charge of, you know, decision making, rational. Making rational decisions. Complex thinking, complex thinking, social situations, you know, putting things in context and assessing and also assisting in assessing those threats. Right. And what you should do in those situations. So you noted that your prefrontal cortex does not get developed until you're 25. And that makes sense why a lot of younger people are more emotional, for sure. They find themselves in these situations a lot more, because that prefrontal cortex and that rational decision made making part of their brain hasn't fully developed yet.

Yeah. Some people kind of define the difference between, like, a child and adult is whether they're operating based off of their emotions or off of, you know, logic and reason that they get from the prefrontal cortex. And, you know, they tend to say, like, being an adult is 21, but I would more so say, like, really? You really hit adulthood at 25. And that's how I feel, like, from my experience, too.

Same. Yeah.

Like, you know, at 21, you're just, like, an older kid.

You're still a. Yeah, you're still a teenager.

You don't really feel your age until 25. You almost literally feel the last neurons, like, connect.

Develop.

Yeah, right. On your 25th birthday. It's a very funny experience.

I felt that some people say that they don't necessarily feel the difference. I definitely felt, like, this overwhelming sense of responsibility more. I felt more in control of my motor functions.

Yeah. I felt like it was a bit grounding, to say the least. And then the amygdala that we were talking about earlier, that's responsible for those fight or flight reflexes that is often triggered during conflict. And when that happens, it actually inhibits your prefrontal cortex from functioning because it takes a little bit longer time for your prefrontal cortex to process information, as opposed to when you react out of your emotions, whether fear or anger. Within a conflict, you're much quicker to react. And it's down to our biology and where we come from, that was very important development in our physiology, because if a tiger is running straight at you.

You can't be like, what do I feel?

You really can't think, maybe, should I.

Jump over the tiger?

Should I try to kick the tiger? You just go straight into fight or flight. But as we develop and we're not surrounded by wild animals who may try to kill us, some of that, it.

Becomes a little bit outdated.

Yeah. And then drives us into situations that are not necessary.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But those are the. Those are like the D train.

Showtime, people.

You know, I'm saying.

A train.

And the jim people don't really be.

Doing shit like that.

Yeah. They got any 90 news haven't seen before? Nah. So the amygdala causes you to act more impulsively, and the prefrontal cortex steps in to kind of manage that response. So the amygdala. Ready? The amygdala, like, what? What you say?

Right, right.

And the prefrontal cortex is like, hold on. Like, nah, I'm about to shoot this in the head right now. It's like, hold on. You're at work.

Right.

Prefrontal cortex, like, chill out.

And your prefrontal cortex kind of acts as, like, that break to stop you from slow down, that from going over the ledge. You know what I mean.

Yeah, turn your up.

Yeah, exactly.

So if you don't have that prefrontal.

Cortex, it's a little bit harder. And some people, you know, especially if you don't give your brain a chance to develop, you don't practice these types of things and actually develop, you know, different ways of thinking, then you won't ever really be able to put those brakes on in situations, and you tend to act like a child or more. So you put yourself in situations that you necessarily didn't need to, especially when you're an adult. There's no real reason. There's rarely a reason. I won't say there's no real reason, but there's rarely a reason to get into violent conflict.

That's a fact. Yeah. As I get older, I realize that more and more. So there's a lot of different theories and concepts around how humans interact with conflict and how we deal with it. And I want to start diving into a couple of those concepts. We won't get into all of them, but the first one I want to start off with is the different types of conflict styles. This is something that we talked about during our research.

Yeah, yeah. That was a very interesting part. And it derives from Thomas Kilman, his conflict mode instrument, or TKI white man. Yes. He identified five different styles of conflict resolution, and all these different styles are kind of characterized by the level of assertiveness and cooperation. And those five styles are competing, accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, and compromising with competing. You have a high level of assertiveness and a low level of cooperativeness. That's pretty self explanatory.

Yeah.

That type of conflict style. Or, you know, that the way you handle that conflict is, you know, important in situations like sports, when you're actually competing.

Right, right.

But also, it can happen in other situations where you need to think really fastly and you don't have time to take somebody else into consideration. Then the next type of way is called accommodating, in which a lot of times it happens when you're not in a position of power and you act on a low level of assertiveness and a high level of cooperativeness.

Okay. Pretty self explanatory as well. Yeah.

And then we have avoiding the conflict. We see that avoidant attachment styles and things like that, where you have both a low level of assertiveness and a low level of cooperativeness, you just kind of remove yourself.

You avoid it. And a high level of. You can say it. Yeah, just like you. Ding, ding, ding.

Then we have collaborating, which is both a high level of assertiveness and a high level of cooperativeness in which you actively collaborate. You actively worked with the person or the thing or the situation that you're in conflict with, and you both assert yourself and your needs, and you also cooperate and take into account their needs and wants. And then the fifth one is compromising. When you have a moderate level of both assertiveness and cooperativeness, and that's when you kind of come to a middle ground. You don't completely bend over and you don't completely assert yourself.

Is that the one we're all kind of trying to get to? Or would you say that certain things call for certain situations?

Exactly. Certain situations call for certain styles in conflict resolution or how you handle and perceive that conflict? I can't say that just from looking at it. I don't think there's one that's the best in relationships. Most of the time, you want to either accommodate or compromise or actually collaborate and, you know, collaborate probably. Yeah, yeah, it's probably the best one. But, you know, when you're playing sports, you probably don't want to collaborate so much.

It'd be accommodating.

Or, you know, if you're competing, you have some type of. The stakes are high and you're trying to win or, you know, come out on top in a situation.

That's interesting. Yeah, I feel like that does kind of boil them all down. When it comes down, it kind of.

Puts everything in its place. And I think understanding the different types is important, especially when it comes to, you know, people you care about. And then also, if you're in a leadership position, how do you handle those, you know, those conflicts between you and the people that you're leading? You know, there's some times where you have to be more assertive in order to get you, you and your team across the finish line. But, you know, there's other times where you need to accommodate in order to give somebody some power or allow people to feel empowered. Yeah. So, you know, every situation kind of. Cause, you know, that's. We're discernment and that prefrontal cortex kind of comes in handy.

Comes in handy. Right, right. Awesome. Awesome. Okay, so the next one we're gonna talk about is something called transactional analysis. Right now, I can read the definition for this. Yeah, I got you.

I'm very. I'm excited to hear your.

I like this one, too, because I feel like this is one of the things that I see the most relevant when it comes to conflict and just heightened interactions overall, I'll tell you. Okay. The concept of transactional analysis states that this is a psychoanalytic theory that suggests that social transactions are analyzed to determine the ego state of the communicator, to determine whether it's parent like, childlike, or adult like. As a basis for understanding behavior in a conflict situation, individuals may communicate in a parent to child or a child to parent manner, rather than an adult to adult manner, which therefore exacerbates the conflict.

And that's really interesting. Cause it kind of focuses on the ego, focuses on how somebody is perceiving themselves in the conflict.

In the conflict, right. Yeah. And then. And I see this a lot, especially with conflicts. I mean, you know, in relationships, but just in conflicts in general. When people. When emotions start to heighten and that amygdala starts to take over and those stress responses start to settle in, you start to see people talk to each other a little crazy. Right? Start sunning them. You start talking to them almost like in a parent to child manner, like, are you stupid? Are you stupid? Let me explain it to you like this. Yeah.

It's like condescending.

Condescending. Right.

Talking at somebody.

Or you could do it the other. There's a lot of different. I always noticed during those conflicting situations that, you know, the way that we speak to each other alters. And I think that whole concept of transactional analysis is super relevant because you break it down to, all right, at the end of the day, is it two adults having an interaction, and how are you communicating your points? Are you treating this person as an adult and giving them the level of autonomy and respect and respect. Key point, key word in that interaction? Because if not, then you need to start with yourself first. Hello? And now a word from our sponsors. This episode of the evil ego Hour podcast is brought to you by Karen, the new scripted comedy series coming to ZBS this fall. From the creators of the hit tv series Black Tim comes the new hilarious scripted comedy Karen. Um, no, I'm not gonna mind my own business, sir, because you're illegally parked here. You do not belong here. And by here, I do mean this country. Your Thursday nights are about to get a lot more privileged. Hi, police. It's Karen. There's a little black girl out here selling candy, and I've asked her to show me her permit several times. Should I make a citizen's arrest watch every week as Karen calls the police on a group of minorities doing something completely normal? No, I'm not gonna move. Is this your house that you're standing in front of because it looks like private property, and I've never seen you in this neighborhood before. Will Karen sheddy racist ways and eventually become an ally. Excuse me. This is not a quince Edda. Please speak English. Probably not all lives matter, Karen. The new comedy series coming to ZBS this fall.

Yeah. And I think the interesting part about it is we have, like, unique relationships with everybody. So how you are in a conflict, how me and you handle conflicts may be different than how we handle conflicts with our partners, with other friends, younger siblings, older people in our lives.

That's weird. Why? Cause how I might handle a conflict with you is very straightforward. It's like, I might just tell you, and I feel like we get to the resolution a lot quicker, but when it comes to a romantic partner or maybe a business partner or something like that, it's a lot more difficult. I don't. I can't.

Yeah, I mean, I think there's not a lot of ego, I mean, your friendship, so, like, ironically.

But.

And I think with different people, they can trigger certain feelings, like, with our romantic partners, depending on. And I won't talk too specifically on my case, but with our romantic partners, we may feel like they have more power over us, and so we kind of fall into this child, like. Like, just, you know, maybe more accommodating.

And child dynamic, or that would be.

A child to parent, child to parent. From, you know, my perspective, if I felt like my partner had more power over me, and then I may be more accommodating, we go back to the styles, and I just allow them to kind of, you know, rule over me. Or it may be a situation where I may not have as much respect for my partner, and I start to speak down on them, and I start to, you know, be a little bit condescending because I see myself as over them, and then that would come into, like, a parent, like, our parent to child type of, you know, conflict.

Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah.

Or maybe it's like, you know, of a younger sibling where you do, like, a parent to child type of. How are we calling? Type of transaction. Transaction? Yeah, you know, some type of transaction. You may talk to your younger sibling like a parent when, you know, they're a grown adult.

Yeah, they're the same age. Exactly.

Or you have an older sibling or an uncle who likes to talk down on you, even though you both are adults at this point in your life.

This kind of factors into the next point, which we won't go too deep into this concept, but I did want to just mention it. The overall concept of mirror neurons and empathy, we contain these cells that tend to mirror actions, and whenever we see an action being performed, we have these neurons in our brain that kind of attached to those things.

Yeah, you kind of put yourself in that same position.

Yeah. In that same position, which is something that is utilized whenever you're having empathy. And empathy is a huge determining factor when it comes to deescalating things, because putting yourself in another person's perspective and seeing it from their point of view is one of the key elements of de escalating situations.

But the interesting part about it is, I feel like, in a way, it can backfire, because we may assume somebody to handle a situation or a conflict in the way that we would, and we try to. We would expect them to react in a certain way, but when they don't react in that certain way, I feel like that also creates, like, an inner conflict and confusion, some type of.

Right.

Dissonance in our head.

So maybe you're somebody who's competitive, and that's how you typically handle conflicts amongst you and your family or amongst you and your friend group. But if you try to do that with somebody you don't know as well, and their response is way different from what you expected, then, you know, it might result in the escalation of a conflict.

Right, right. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I get with that. I get that.

But I do agree, overall that empathy is key. Yeah. And then, I mean, in my situation, it was with the dude, like, jacking up his girl, like, you know, that was a bit triggering for me, seeing somebody be helpless and not have anybody step up. And so in that instance, it was like, oh, well, I should probably step up. And then, you know, my empathy was kind of pulled out because I felt like she was helpless.

Yeah. You saw yourself as her in that moment, weirdly enough.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's crazy.

Yeah. There's conflict resolution and how we get to that. But I also think that there's a deeper part of that to conflict resolution.

There's something beyond.

Actually, I think there's something beyond conflict. Exactly. Because depending on the situation, it may spiral out of control, or it may spiral into control, depending on how one reacts to a situation.

Isn't that one of the conflict spiral theory or something like that?

Yeah, it actually is those things.

So interactions like that are often cyclical.

Yeah. But they can spiral out of control, which most of us have definitely witnessed, or they can kind of deescalate in the same accelerating fashion to where things slow, like, fastly get resolved and that's the ideal situation. Oddly enough, like, with my most recent partner, that was something that we really got down very well, is I had to spiral conversations into control. And it was the first time I ever really experienced a situation where, when I was in a conflict with somebody, it always resolved quickly.

What is the key elements of having something spiral into control? The first thing I thought was, like, having things, taking away the stakes, making it a little bit lighter so that you're able to. So that you're not triggering that amygdala. And that you're able to, like, approach situations from a calm standpoint and not have these heightened emotions. So maybe approaching things with humor. But what are some ways to have spiral into control? That's interesting.

I think one thing that we were really good at was open dialogue about what we were feeling. Being able to say, this is making me feel this way, instead of saying, you're doing this to me. Actually, oddly enough, solving the problem was easier talking about what we were experiencing in our own heads, because then you can see where the divide is between the two. Yeah, you can see, okay, you're experiencing this. But that's not even what I was trying to.

Right, right. And that's very good that you're not labeling them as this. You are doing this to me. It's important that they know how they're making you feel. But that is a very good distinction of saying, this is how I feel right now. I'm not necessarily trying to make you feel blamed for it. And, of course, this has to occur with somebody that you trust, because somebody could easily just take advantage of your vulnerability in that moment.

Oh, yeah, of course.

And that happens sometimes in a moment. Emotional relationships or relationships overall, you express that vulnerability, and they're like, you a and you wrong.

But, yeah, I mean, it does require that bit of trust and cooperation and, yeah, like I said, shifting the attention towards what you're experiencing from them, and you can still hold them accountable, because people need to be accountable for their actions, whether they meant that or not. There's, you know, a lot of people say, well, I didn't mean to do that. That's not even what I was trying to do. And they think that absolves them from any accountability, from how you made somebody feel, which. And, you know, there's definitely a line in between that, because you can't always be responsible for somebody's reaction to what you say or what you feel. But if you care about them and there's space for you to understand and compromise with them, it's important to acknowledge that and to take that into consideration.

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Yeah.

On a deeper level, yeah.

So I'll define conflict transformation. Okay, so conflict transformation is a process of addressing a conflict in a way that seeks to change the underlying cause of the conflict. Conflict resolution typically is a one off event, and you just solve the problem and go from there. With conflict transformation, you're actually trying to get the root cause of it and prevent it from happening again.

Hmm. And so, so is this on a societal?

It can be, but it can also be for one on one relationships. You know, a lot. We're talking about romantic relationships a lot. And I think conflict transformation is really important in developing a, it doesn't even have to be romantic, honestly, developing any relationship, because you have to establish trust, like we were talking about earlier. You have to establish a clear line of communication with the person, understanding how people communicate and how you communicate and how that can be better and putting things in place, whether it's on an institutional level or whether it's just boundaries between you and somebody. Those things are a part of conflict transformation, because you're transforming this conflict into grounds of trust. You're transforming this conflict into a way for you to actually be closer to.

Somebody, and you're creating a deeper level of understanding.

Exactly.

In the process, for sure.

And there's a lot of different ways you can kind of go about conflict transformation. We kind of touched on one talking one on one with somebody and having a great dialogue with them.

Right. And then another one I think you were about to get into was the concept of narrative mediation and focusing on the stories that you're telling yourself about that person that you're having an interaction with. I get caught up in this a lot, especially when it comes to my partner. Even though we're literally bonded, whenever we get into these heightened conflicts and these situations, for some reason, I start telling myself a different story, this narrative that I'm feeding myself, that they don't care. They did this on purpose. They wanted to make me upset. They have to know what they're doing. And this is really difficult when you start to develop a longstanding relationship with somebody because you have the background thought that they should know. They should already know that I don't like that.

Right. And they should know you by now.

Right. And it's not really fair. I mean, in some instances, you know, if you have some established boundaries that are being crossed, that's one thing. But a lot of times, we make the false assumption that somebody should know exactly what we think in every moment.

Yeah. Cause you spend so much time with them that it's like, it's hard to even. Sometimes it's hard to even see the separation between you and that person.

Right.

And when you don't see the separation between you and that person, the moment that they break that connection can be very disturbing, and it can cause you to really get heightened up. It trigger you. Exactly. But sometimes it's hard to work things out one on one with the person, just through dialogue or through using your prefrontal cortex to think through it. And then in those types of cases, it's very helpful to have a third party come in, somebody who is neutral, who doesn't really have stakes in either one of you winning this conflict and allowing them to provide their outside perspective.

He did winning with air quotes for the listeners by the way you're not winning, you want to come to some sort of collaboration.

The only winning a conflict is when both sides are happy with the outcome, made, a compromise that both of you can live with. Bars. That's the only way to really win if somebody else is not feeling. You know, you may not always feel good after a conflict, but there should definitely be a ground of understanding.

Right. And we have the power to be able to navigate this, too, like we.

Have, especially as adults.

Yes.

And young adults. I mean, like, we're, you know.

Yeah. If you're listening to this and now you're aware, so you can't just keep getting away with, oh, my. It was my amygdala. And, like, now that you have the knowledge, you can't, you know, now. So it's like, try to make these steps of beginning, cultivating a small level of detachment with you and your emotions, creating that space for that prefrontal cortex to step in and be like, all right, let's actually assess this situation. And I think that brings us to our last final point. And that is the overall concept of peace building you were talking about.

Yeah. That mean that, for me, that it's a little bit in the vein of having, like, a third party mediator. Cause a third party mediator is kind of giving you the outside perspective so you, too, can solve the issue with that added perspective. But then there's something called arbitration. I was trying to figure out how to pronounce this word before arbitration, my boy. And it's kind of the same thing. But that third party is establishing what that resolution is for the two parties. That happens a lot in therapy, but then if we go to, like, a bigger perspective, we think about, like, peace treaties that happen in the world, and, you know, with our governments, it's the same thing. You know, you come in between two countries who are at long time disputes, or, you know, if there's a war situation, you try to come together to create a peace treaty to have a compromise that both sides can live with and hold up and honor. Gotcha. The interesting part is, that is a very sensitive point in the conflict resolution, because when people don't honor that agreement, it can almost exacerbate the conflict and make it a lot worse. So that's a very vulnerable time. But at the same way, in the same vein, that same power can be transformative and can create a lot of peace.

Yeah, create a lot. It can create a completely new understanding, and a lot of times, our interactions and our relationships are dictated by how we handle conflict. And you, just as a person, you are going to be judged on how you handle conflict throughout life. So this is something that you want to start keeping in mind and keeping in mind the physiology, knowing that, you know, there are certain parts in your brain that are triggering you to do certain things, but just the overall awareness of that can help you, as we prior stated, start to cultivate a level of detachment and start to really take control of these different aspects.

And the easiest way to kind of calm down the amygdala and get back to your prefrontal cortex is literally just breathing. I mean, this is something that my moms taught me when I was mad young, and I didn't even realize how transformative that hot word. I didn't realize how transformative that was. Like, she used to tell me. Cause I used to have really bad, like, anger issues, and I would, like.

Like, just hyperventilate old man right now. Duh. Beat up old nigga.

But it literally takes 90 seconds to reset your brain. I mean, we don't always have that leisure or that luxury to have 90 seconds to just breathe and calm ourselves down, but even 20 seconds can be really transformative and calming us down and getting our nerves underway so we can think correctly. So, literally, just taking ten to 20 deep breaths all the way in into your stomach and then out can calm you down. So you can actually think about the issue at mind and respond in a way that is not driven by emotion, but is driven by reason, logic, and care for yourself and the outside world.

Just breathe. Just breathe just breathe it ain't a how. Everything just come down to breathing always. That's crazy, bruh.

I think that's the name of the episode. Just breathe.

But you feel good?

I'm feeling good about this.

You're not conflicted at all?

No, I'm tired.

You're tired? I'm tired. It's okay, bro. We did it.

I definitely handled the conflict of this terrible schedule. I'm gonna go sleep.

You already know your boy wants to go to sleep, so we're gonna get up out of here. As you know, it's the green tea goat. It's the peach tea poppy. Mister at night can't rap, night can't talk. All social media, we got big dog wolf on the ones and twos in the background.

Yes, sir. This is Xavier. Xavier, Cody. Xavier, Cody on the TikToks and everywhere else. You can call me Xavier. You should call me Cody. And that's all I got.

Open your damn eyes. We got two more seconds before we get out of here. As you know, this is the Eview Hour podcast program. The whatever program or whatever you want to call it on all streaming platforms. Make sure you leave a review. Make sure you leave a comment. Keep that engagement going.

Yes, sir.

Keep going strong. Evil ego hour. And what is the thing that we say at the end of every episode?

This is not professional, medical, or therapeutic advice. This is for your entertainment only. Please consult your therapist. Wherever problems you're having.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We stand. Yeah. We're just your friends.

We just talking shit, Brad. We just talking shit. We just your boys.

You feel me, boys?

Back at it next. Next week. You already know what it is. Thank you. For another. I always say, you already know what it is.

I know. I noticed that.

Oh, my God.

Said it, like, seven times.

Sick of myself. All right, y'all, we out of here.

We're gonna have a conflict on that one.

Peace.

Peace. Bye.